aimeesh

I'm done with the entry numbers

Sun, 28 Dec 2008 01:25:15 GMT

So i used to make the topic the entry number that I was at... but i can never remember what I'm at so it just wastes time because i have to go and see what I'm at before I start the entry and then I kinda forget what i got on here to talk about.
but to be honest i really don't have anything to talk about today... so this one might be a little boring. Or maybe a lot a boring.
today I'm feeling like making lists. I made a list of what i need to do today and one thing on the list is making a list. haha. I am going to create a printable check-off list so that i don't keep forgetting to take my prenatal pills and my Prozac. I forgot to take it for two days and i could tell. TWO DAYS. I was upset and I even had a crying spell. Richard told me to stop being annoying and I walked out of the store and sat in the car and cried until he came out. I know it's stupid but I just felt... horrible. And as i was crying i was thinking to myself that it was a pretty dumb thing to be crying over and i didn't understand why i was so upset over what he said. Then i remembered I forgot to take the Prozac. for two days straight. So now I'm making a list to not forget. That and i forget to brush my teeth at night sometimes and i want to be more strict about that too.
I need to do laundry today. I really don't want to because I've put it off for some time now and my room is such a mess because of it. The clean clothes from the last time are still in the basket, so the dirty clothes had no basket to go into therefore they're all over the floor. And so it looks like SO much work... makes me not want to even deal with it... i just want to hide it or lay a towel over it or something. haha. But obviously that wont be helping things and richard is almost out of boxers so I need to do laundry TONIGHT. I should probably do the sheets too. And i need to pluck my eyebrows... I haven't done that in way too long and they're pretty much fully grown out. But that's not even the worst part about me... My acne is getting out of control. Like this is probably the first time in my entire life that i can call it acne! before now I'd get a few pimples here and there and it didn't look nice but it wasn't anything close to full-on acne. Now i have shit all over my face and i can't seem to get rid of it! But i got some special face wash and some special acne stuff so hopefully that will do the trick within a week or so. I hope. I really hope.

okay now I'm just using this place to0 stall... i really need to start doing the things I am supposed to be doing right now.

Merry Christmas!!

Thu, 25 Dec 2008 10:06:16 GMT

Okay so it's only 1:58am but it's still Christmas already! *yay* Mom, dad, and Jessie are already asleep... but of course we're still awake. We're always awake at this hour. The only issue is that we're supposed to be up and about making Christmas breakfast at 8am. haha. We'll see how that goes. The problem is that richard has to go to work at 5pm (because Blockbuster Video is dumb and is open on Christmas.) so we have to have dinner early at about 3pm, which means that we CAN'T sleep in until noon and eat breakfast then because then we wont be hungry for the big dinner! So we'll be up at 8am to eat and open gifts so that when 3pm rolls around we'll be able to stomach some ham and yams. Richard's mom did gifts tonight since we wont have a lot of time to be over there tomorrow. I got some pajamas that his grandma picked out... and they're hilarious. haha, but they're pajamas so I'll still wear them.. and his mom got me a sort of sweatsuit thingy. It's real cute. But neither of them fit because of my preggo belly. His mom was all upset and apologizing because they don't fit but it's totally fine. They'll fit AFTER the baby is born which will be nice because I'll be in that awkward stage of not fitting into my old clothes OR my maternity clothes. I was really surprised to actually even get anything from her, it was very nice of her. She got as much for me as she did for her own children! But my parents did the same for richard. They got him a ps3!! and a bunch of stuff to go with it like an extra paddle and stuff... and he has NO CLUE. I can't wait to see the excitement on his face tomorrow morning when he opens that gift. I'll be taking pictures and videos to post later. hehee.

going to go now, he's in the room, don't want to spoil the surprise!

-aimee

Christmas Stuff!!

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 01:52:42 GMT

Christmas Survey

TAKE THIS SURVEY!

Basics

Do you believe in Santa Clause:
who else puts presents under the tree? =p

Do you put up a christmas tree:
of course! and it's a real on this year!

Do you decorate the outside of your house:
yeah but only halfway. my parents wont let us to the upstairs because they're afriad i'll fall off

Do you decorate the inside of your house:
yes

White lights or Colored:
both!

When do you usually start listening to Christmas music:
i don't really. i get enough of it in stores. gets stuck in my head all day too.

Do you peek at presents:
never.

Do you make gingerbread houses:
no, but i would if i knew how to make gingerbread

When do you start your shopping:
as soon as possible. usually right after thanksgiving

Do you like snow:
yes, but it doesn't snow here :(

Do you like to build snowman or have snowball fights:
i can't :(

When do you get up on christmas:
whenever i wake up. we have to wait until my parents are awake and done with breakfast anyway

What do you do first eat or open gifts:
my parents eat breakfast. my sister and i usually eat after presents

Are you in the Christmas spirit yet:
yes

Whats Christmas eve like for you:
poking at presents trying to guess what's inside

What about the day before that:
same thing. haha

Are you anticipating christmas:
yes

What is your favorite Christmas memory:
whenever i gave a really good gift that someone reacted super-happy to. thats my favorite part.

What is the best gift you ever gave:
i gave richard a good rams jersey last year... but i dont know if that was the best

What is the best gift you ever received:
the ring on my finger

Who do you usually spend Christmas with:
my family and boyfriend's family

Is Christmas usually celebrated at your house or someone elses:
both

Do you get everyone in your family a present:
if i can afford to. this year richard and i got one thing for both of my parents

What is your favorite Christmas tradtion:
decorating and pretending santa is real to kids.

Do you like eggnog:
i really don't.

Do you have any shirts or sweaters with a Christmas design on it:
ha, no.

What is your favorite Christmas album:
i dont have any

Do you open your presents Christmas morning or Christmas Eve:
one xmas eve and the rest on christmas.

Do you go to Church on Christmas Eve:
no

Do you get a real or a fake tree:
we always had a fake one but this year and last year we got a real one. it was fun :)

Who decorates the tree:
ME!

Finish the Christmas Carol

We wish you A merry :
Christmas, duh

Deck the :
Halls with boughs of holly

Jingle Bells Jingle bells:
Jingle all the way

A beautiful sight we're happy tonight:
Walking in a winter wonderland

Come on it's lovely weather for a:
sleigh ride together

Frosty the :
snowman

Have yourself:
a merry little christmas

Jingle bell Jingle bell Jingle bell:
rock

CLICK HERE TO TAKE THIS SURVEY!

MySpace Surveys

Christmas Questions

TAKE THIS SURVEY!

Take this survey

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
wrapping paper. gift bags are sort of last resort or if you can't afford wrapping paper.

2. Real tree or artificial?
real. plus getting to pick it out is half the fun!

3. When do you put up the tree?
after thanksgiving sometime.

4. When do you take the tree down?
like a week after xmas.

5. Do you like egg nog?
no. i used to but for some reason now i hate it.

6. Favorite gift received as a child?
i remember getting my first bike, that was really cool.

7. Do you have a nativity scene?
ha, no. xmas to us is all about santa and reindeer and trees and stuff, not jesus.

8. Hardest person to buy for?
the person you want to impress the most.

9. Easiest person to buy for?
my parents because they're always happy with whatever they get. cause they're my parents

10. Worst Christmas gift ever received?
socks. that was dumb. socks??

11. Mail or email Christmas card?
mail. email ruined snail mail.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie?
a christmas story.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?
after thanksgiving

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?
no? maybe the cardboard it came in...

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?
candy. it's the only time of the year we have candy in the house just because

16. Clear lights or colored on the tree?
both!

17. Favorite Christmas song?
i dont know...

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home?
stay home, too expensive at xmas

19. Can you name Santas reindeer?
no. haha

20. Do you have an Angel on top or a star?
a star. first year to have anything, really

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?
morning

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year?
crowds and traffic

CLICK HERE TO TAKE THIS SURVEY!

MySpace Surveys

Christmas Season

TAKE THIS SURVEY!

The holidays are near so I want to know...

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?
Hot Chocolate

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?
Wrapps them and labels "from santa"

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white?
both on tree, white on outside

4. Do you hang mistletoe?
we did last year but we dont have one this year.

5. When do you put your decorations up?
right after thanksgiving

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)?
sweet potatoes

7. Favorite holiday memory as a child:
when i thought santa was real. so magical!

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
i think i was 8. i asked my mom and she said she wouldn't lie. my dad always said he was real. haha

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
sometimes. but only one if i do

10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree?
lights and ornaments

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it?
love it! but i don't have to shovel it or scrape it off my car

12. Can you ice skate?
not well

13. Do you remember your favorite gift?
my first bike was really cool

14. What is the most important thing about the Holidays for you?
decorating and buying gifts for people

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert?
i dont know

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
decorating

17. What tops your tree?
a star

18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving?
giving, but i do like receiving!

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song?
i dont have one

20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum?
i like the cherry ones

21. What do you want for Christmas?
a new purse, mine is falling apart.

22. Do you attend an annual Christmas Party?
no

23. Do you dress up on Christmas or wear PJs?
pj's until we go somewhere. then i try to wear xmas-like colors

24. Do you own a santa hat?
yes. two, actually

25. Who do you normally spend Christmas with?
my family

CLICK HERE TO TAKE THIS SURVEY!

MySpace Surveys

Entry #37

Sun, 14 Dec 2008 05:15:38 GMT

"i want to freaking break down the bloody Berlin wall I've built between myself and society. but the only way i can see it breaking is if i break myself. "
-eternaldiamonds from MM

I just felt like putting that on here because i feel the same way. like exactly the same way. I feel like I've put up this... barrier around me and shut everyone out of my life. except for richard and my family... but i live with them and i feel comfortable only around richard it seems. I know this isn't normal. I mean i should be having fun and going out with friends and working and stuff... but I sit here on the computer with the TV on beside me instead wasting my life away for what? for lack of a better reason: anti-rejection. I don't want to find out I'm not good enough so i never give myself the chance. And now I have no friends. fucking great. I'm kinda pathetic.

ugh. 'm watching America's most wanted... two stories already of mothers killing their babies. it's so... scary to hear stories like that. to hear women would DO something like that because they're afraid of motherhood... when they could have given the child up for adoption. I don't understand that. My counselor even told me there were girls who CUT OPEN their stomach in their 9th month of pregnancy because of their depression. I couldn't believe my ears. I think she was trying to convince me that I would be alright, that there were girls having a MUCH harder time that I am so I would be alright. God, that is nuts. I can't believe girls do that.

Entry #36

Sat, 13 Dec 2008 08:04:31 GMT

So I haven't posted in a few days I don't think. I'll be 27 weeks tomorrow... so that's only one more week in my 2nd trimester. It's crazy that I'll be full term in only three months. I'll have a little baby boy in only three months. It's coming up so fast!

Christmas is right around the corner. I got richard some gifts. Luckily I was able to get some money from mom and dad for cleaning the house. I got him some clothes from Tilly's. He really needs clothes. I got him two sweatshirts and a long-sleeved shirt. I really hope he likes them. Well I know he will at least like one of the sweatshirts because he DID pick it out of a magazine from that place.

Then richard bought my parents an expensive bottle of wine. They're all into wine now. I hope they like it. I'm going to make sure they know it's not just a 2-buck-chuck like they normally get. Richard actually spent a lot of time and thought into that gift, and i want them to know because they're getting HIM a ps3!!! He has NO idea and he's going to be totally excited. I just hope he doesn't feel bad because they spent so much on him. But he shouldn't. My parents love him, he's the first guy who they actually LIKE that I've been with AND he's the father of my child. Their grandchild. They never would have been so generous with any other guy, that's for sure. But they really like him and they like how happy he makes me and how good he is to me. And they even know he smokes weed. That shows you what a good guy he is. My dad even went all-out and bought a second controller for the ps3, a remote... which i think was more for them (i don't think they could figure out how to watch a movie using a ps3 paddle. haha) and an HDMI cable and everything. I was actually surprised he wanted to get this for him... i thought my dad might get a blu-ray for the family but he actually wanted to get the ps3 just for richard. (and use it as a blu-ray while we're here) he got all excited about it too and is asking if richard knows and to keep it a secret. it's fun.

I'm playing Yahtzee right now on pogo.com. it's addicting. Richard's mom is playing too.

k well I'm going to go because richard will be home soon.

the maxim calendar

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 09:04:55 GMT

ughhh, god, i am sort of p-o'ed with richard right now. He's being pretty.... DUMB.

when we first got together, well at least in the beginning of our relationship, I had some "thinspo" pictures on my wall.... and he eventually found out about my eating problems and HE was the one who questioned why i kept those up (because I told him i was in recovery) and i eventually took them down because he was right, they weren't helping me at all. And I've been doing better since they have been taken down. Not seeing a bunch of girls who look WAY better than me EVERY DAY... helps me hate myself less.

but then this douche bag come home two days ago and pins up a MAXIM calendar. On our bedroom wall. These photos are WAY more triggering than the ones I had up months ago!!! WAY more triggering. Like immediate self-loathing.

so i ask him "what's this??" pointing to the calendar and he says "...what?" and I kind of roll my eyes and continue laundry sorting and go to walk out the door cause i'm sort of p-o'ed and he says "Oh, come on, I'm a guy, I can't help what we're attracted to."

That just made me angry. First of all, he KNOWS what those sort of photos do to me and what they create in my mind and what bad effects they have on me!! and then to say that he "can't help what guys are attracted to"Image It hurts because i know i will NEVER look like those girls and he said that THAT is what guys are attracted to and I will NEVER look that good.

even before i got pregnant when i was somewhat happy with my body (i was at least happy with my weight (105)) i didn't look anything near as good as those girls.

it just made me feel like such SHIT. That and he had a MAXIM magazine in his bedside drawer. He said that it's the "guy's version of cosmo" but you know what? It's NOT. Cosmo has like a 4-page thing of "guys without their shirt"... and MAXIM has a almost naked girl every other page or more. in a very sexual position. and they're all way better than me.

i know this is jsut me being insecure and i should know that those aren't "real" girls... but it still fucking hurts because I'm already doing bad enough being pregnant and he has to put up a fucking calendar that makes me want to kill myself.

Final Exam

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 06:54:20 GMT

So something really cool just came to my realization today. Like right now. I have my final exam tomorrow in psychology and i haven't studied for it one bit. so why am i so happy? I went online to check my grades and on the main page my professor had written:

"All POINTS INCLUDING Jeopardy points are in your gradebook. YOUR LOWEST EXAM SCORE WAS REPLACED WITH YOUR HIGHEST.
If you have a Final Exam Score of 200/200 and 45+ on all 4 exams you do not have to take the final or come to to class that day. Good Luck to each and every one of you. Make sure to say something nice on Ratemyprofessor.com"

And i already knew I would have to take the exam because i got a 44 on a test so i was ONE point off from not having to go. But i was checking my grade to see how many points i would need to pass on the final exam to pass the class or maybe even get an A if i was lucky. But when i went to see my grades, he had CHANGED my 44 to a 45!! I guess he saw that I was only one point off and I participated in class a lot so he bumped me up so i wouldn't have to take the final!

freaking awesome. He is SO getting a good score on ratemyprofessor.com.

what sucks though, is that richard DOES have to take the exam. I checked. (we took the class together) so I know that's going to really piss him off because he studied today before work and I was mad at him (for reason i'll talk about later maybe) and i refused to study with him or be in the room with him. He was making comments about how i "better study or i might not pass" and how he "always does all the work" (which is SO not true, i just do LESS work than him because i have way better study methods than he does.) So now he's going to come home and find out that I don't even have to go take the test and he'll be all pissed off because he does. so i feel bad about that.... I hope he doesn't get too mad. You know, he almost dropped the class. He has an A too. He almost dropped it because of all the studying and ONE paper he didn't want to have to write. He really doesn't like school. or writing. or working. especially both at the same time. But, i convinced him to stay in the class. and now (as long as he goes and takes that final exam) he'll pass the class and have SOMETHING to show for all the work he did. I just hate to see him want to give up after all the time we spent studying and reading and writing... all for nothing? especially when you have an A? I'm scared he'll be so mad tonight that he wont want to go in tomorrow. especially since I don't have to. I'm thinking I will go with him and just bring a book or something just so he doesn't have to go alone.

oh, and by the way, i got an A+ in the class. *happydance* I haven't gotten an A+ since grade school!!

ugh

Sat, 06 Dec 2008 00:13:38 GMT

So Bryce, my ex boyfriend who cheated on me multiple times, broke my heart, and then dumped me? yeah, he added me on fucking myspace again.

i vowed to never speak to him again. I really think I hate him. Mostly because he keeps trying to come back into my life when i wish he would just stop existing. I hate him because after all that he did to me i still forgave him and still loved him.... and then HE broke up with ME. And then the second I found someone who treats me right he's suddenly interested in my life and what's going on with me.

So far I've done VERY well ignoring this asshole. I didn't deny his friend request though. Because every time I deny it he adds me again and i have to see his smug face again and I just don't want to have to deal with him anymore. He broke me.

I hate him. I hate what he did to me and how weak I was with him.

I'm so happy that I met Richard so soon after he dumped me... I'd probably still be with that fuck-up if it wasn't for Richard sweeping me off my feet.

I feel so lucky to have him in my life right now :) I got lucky.

Entry #32

Thu, 27 Nov 2008 05:12:18 GMT

I'm having another really bad day. The kind where you're sort of hoping you won't wake up the next morning. The kind where you just don't want to think at all anymore because feeling nothing would be so much better than... this.

I can't get over what happened yesterday. He doesn't even like me to look at him when we're having sex, he pushes me to face the other way.... like he doesn't want to see my face. I can't help but believe that he's imagining somebody else when we have sex. He tries so hard not to look at ME or see ME and when we're face to face he shuts his eyes. I feel so ugly and worthless.

I started the Prozac today. Oh yeah, they switched me to Prozac because of the problems I had with the Zoloft. So far no problems... I just wish so badly that it had immediate effects. I hate that these sort of pills take weeks to start working. I want to stop hurting now.

I just wish that I could start all over. That i could just press rewind... I hate that I am pregnant and that is the only thing keeping me alive right now. I am so scared that I am going to kill myself after he is born. I hope that my love for him makes me change my mind. Or maybe these stupid pills will start working by then.

I just fucking hate myself. I hate that I have to take these pills. I hate that I am feeling this way at all! I am so embarrassed and ashamed. Why can't I just be normal?

Entry #31

Wed, 26 Nov 2008 05:39:03 GMT

I went to the store today (grocery store) and bought stuff to make pies for thanksgiving. I'm making 3 pumpkin pies. (one to leave at home because I really like pumpkin pie and I'd hate to not have any left over.) And... I am also going to make an apple pie, and then I forgot to look for a pecan pie recipe so we just bought one. That should be good enough, right? Three pies? And then my mom is going to make a loaf of banana nut bread.

Today something quite awful happened. (only to me of course.) Richard and I were having sex and he kept... covering my lower body with the blankets. It was horrible! I wasn't enjoying myself anymore and all i could think about was how awful i must look now that I'm 6 months along. ... I asked him why he did that and he got his little baby voice on (the one he talks in when he's trying to make up for something he did) and he said he didn't, and then i said, yeah, he did.... and then he said something about he was worried that our dog, moose, would see us?? what?? okay first of all he has NEVER been worried before that our dog might see us having sex and second of all moose wasn't even IN the room. He took him out of the room beforehand because moose WAS staring at us and it was creepy. I reminded him that moose wasn't in the room and then he said he "didn't mean to" ... how do you "not mean to" cover up your girlfriend's body while you're having sex?? if anything he went WAY out of the way to cover me up!! I could feel him shoving the blankets with one hand to keep them in place! Keep my body out of view!! I knew before that he closed his eyes while we had sex but i never actually thought it was because he didn't want to see me.

oh my god i feel so disgusting. i seriously haven't felt so much loathing for myself in a long time. Sure, i am not happy with the way i look but at least before it was just me. Now i know that he's thinking the same thing and it's the worst feeling in the world.

Entry #30

Tue, 25 Nov 2008 06:45:00 GMT

So... I don't have a lot to talk about today, I mean nothing has really happened.

Today I almost got in a car accident. Totally my fault. I was on a street that usually has like no traffic, and i casually looked in my side-view mirror before switching lanes and started to change lanes and then all of a sudden richard was like "oh my god, aimee, what are you doing??" Luckily the guy in the big-ass truck that would have crushed my little bubble car WAS paying attention.
Scared the shit out of me.

Then I came home and my sister decided to take me to get our nails done with two of her work friends. I have never gotten my nails done before, so it was a first for me. I was really nervous about people touching my feet and what they would think of my ugly nails.... I was even afraid it would hurt (which it didn't of course) but the Korean lady was laughing with the guy doing my sister's nails about SOMETHING that had to do with me feet. she said something to him and he laughed and looked at my feet and laughed more and said something back. This went on for a good three minutes or so. I know they were talking about my feet because he wouldn't keep looking at my feet that much if they weren't talking about them. But whatever. My feet/hands are all pretty now and I feel a little better about myself. So i can deal with being part of some foot joke.

I've been feeling pretty blah lately. I'm very limited on clothes so I wear a lot of sweats now... I feel like... BLAH. I don't feel attractive at all. Plus all the extra pregnancy weight gain (not to mention all the "I'm going to eat whatever i want BECAUSE I'm pregnant" weight gain) My thighs are like tree trunks and my arms are like hams.

When i tell richard I feel fat or that I've gotten fat he replies with "you're pregnant" ... but doesn't deny that I've gotten fat. haha.

I hope it's not hard to lose the weight.

Entry #29

Sun, 23 Nov 2008 08:25:45 GMT

God, what a fucking horrible day.

First was Entry #28's incident.

Then Richard couldn't come home on his lunch because it was too busy at the store and he had to work through lunch... and he went to work feeling sick so now I know he'll come home sick, hungry, and most likely angry at the world... which I shouldn't be upset about because he has every right... but i just need him to come home happy because of the way I'm feeling right now. So it's totally me being selfish.

Then, my parents were gone... and 11 o'clock came around and i thought it was VERY strange that they weren't home yet. Even for a Saturday night hat is VERY late for them to be out. So i began to worry. I had already called their cell a few times earlier in the night just to see where they were and when to expect them home, but no answer, no calls back. Then 12:00 rolls around and I actually start to cry because for the last hour I'm worrying why they wont answer their phone and why they're still gone.... I've begun to think they've been in a horrible car accident and they're in the ER or dead. (seriously, they're NEVER out that late)And to top it off... (this is why i began crying) The last thing I said to my mom was that she was a bitch. So i thought she was dead and the last thing I said to her was THAT. I know i sound totally crazy but i was freaking out. (she also always picks up her calls. even when we fight)

So they come strolling in the house at 12:15 or so.... and my mom is totally drunk... they went out with friends... and came home because my mom was "sick" she threw up. I think my dad thinks I'm too stupid to see she was drunk. I hate that she drinks now. every night. And i hate that she made me worry about her for over an hour. Her phone is fucking LOUD so i know she ignored my calls.

I'm so mad right now.

Entry #28

Sun, 23 Nov 2008 05:21:50 GMT

I'm really irritated right now. Earlier today my mom accused me of smoking cigarettes again. When i told her i wasn't and neither was richard i must have sounded angry because this is like the 8th time she has accused me since I've quit. She said I was being real defensive and accused me of lying.

I'm getting really fucking sick of her.

I've been doing REALLY good with not smoking (both cigarettes and weed) and I haven't slipped up and every time she accuses me of it... it makes me so mad!!! because I am doing the best that I can and I HAVEN'T smoked and she wont stop accusing me of lying! accusing me of hurting my baby! She's always acting like I'm deliberately trying to kill my baby. Like if i eat ice cream she'll tell me i should be eating grains and veggies because ice cream is bad for the baby. If i drink a soda (non-caffeinated) she'll tell me i need to drink water and milk because soda could hurt my baby. she tells me i don't exercise enough she tells me I'm not eating the right things she tells me I'm not doing enough or caring enough and she acts like I'm going to kill my own child and i just want to kill her!!!! I a SO sick of her fucking bullshit!

I am going crazy in this house.

I fucking hate her.

Entry #27

Fri, 21 Nov 2008 04:09:09 GMT

So i went to the doctor alone today. I had to tell them that I've been having problems with depression, with bad anxiety in particular. And I don't know why, I wish I knew why, but whenever I went with Richard, I just straight out lied to them and told them I was fine and I was having no issues with depression during my pregnancy, and they ask every time because 1. It's their job and 2. I have a strong history of depression in my childhood. I guess that I couldn't bring myself to admit it in front of Richard... part of me thinks it has to do with the way he deals with my sadness (with anger and annoyance) So i pretty much pretend nothing is wrong when there IS something wrong... because he just makes it worse.

So I finally told them, and they gave me Zoloft. I asked her if this would help with anxiety because I think that is the bigger problem more so than depression. I have had thoughts of suicide but it's all from anxiety (i think).

Have any of you ever been on Zoloft? Did it help you?

They told me that it would be okay during my pregnancy and thereafter with the breastfeeding... yet on the bottle it reads:

"Use during the 3rd trimester of pregnancy may cause SERIOUS health problems or withdrawal symptoms in the NEWBORN. Discuss with your doctor or pharmacist"

What the hell?? Why wouldn't they have told me that?? I don't know... maybe it's not so bad because I will be breastfeeding my baby so it wont suddenly stop getting the drug. I feel bad that my baby is going to get some of this in his system but at the same time... I know it's probably better that, than having me be so stressed and depressed all of the time and even thinking about killing myself. I hate that I even feel this way, I feel like such a child. I haven't felt this way since I WAS a child! It seems so silly and I continue to tell myself to GET OVER IT because I KNOW it's just my pregnancy causing these crazy emotions.... but that doesn't seem to help me control them. I still feel this way all the time. It's so dumb.

This better not fuck up my baby boy.

Entry #26

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 06:35:02 GMT

So I have a few things to talk about... things that have happened over a few days time and have nothing to do with one another, and there will be pictures involved! I like using pictures when talking about things.

Story #1

My sister Jessie went out drinking with friends one night for some birthday and needed me to be her DD (and of course I would because otherwise she'd probably get a ride home from someone else who had been drinking as well) and well when we got home she did something funny. It really cracked me up.
Now first, I must explain something so you get why it's funny. The neighbors we have across the street are.... well in short "completely crazy". They are the O'Keefes.

1.) Chris O'Keefe has pushed women around. One woman on our street got knocked to the ground and another got shoved several times until her husband came outside and was ready to beat Chris up. He has mad threatening movements towards our cop-neighbor's wife and my own mother!
2.) They have this crazy thought of other people parking in front of their house. They "say" that it "looks bad" to have "strangers" cars in front of their house. We've been their neighbor for 11 years but we are strangers... They don't NEED the spot in front of their house and it's rare that anyone ever parks there, it only happens when there is no where to park because of extra company who are parked where we usually do.
3.) about a year ago I moved their trash can so that I could park in front of their house because there was literally no where else to park. I was with my ex boyfriend and Chris came out hollering at us, that how DARE we touch his trashcan (which was in the street by the way so I had every right to move it for a place to park) and he came stomping down his driveway and GRABBED my wrist and DEMANDED i move my car and he yelled at my boyfriend and my boyfriend moved his car and he told me to NEVER touch his trashcan EVER again. it was like he had a dead body in their he was hiding! ha, jesus christ. My mom came out because she heard the commotion and he stomped towards HER and got in HER face and yelled at her too!! what a freaking dick.
4.)Kathy O'Keefe often (when we park in front of their house) parks directly behind our car so that we are trapped. This happened to me a few days ago, she was parked SO close behind me, I'm not kidding it was inches, and I had to move their basketball court to get out. And I'm pregnant so it was difficult, and heavy, and i was in a hurry because I had to go to school. I was pissed about that. Then, they will park their car there and leave their garage and driveway empty, JUST so that no other people will park there. is that fucking weird or what??
5.) This is what REALLY gets me. This makes me ANGRY. The other day my sister was getting into her car and Kathy was driving up the street, and that dumb bitch SWERVED towards my sister. my sister said she leaned her body up against her car to avoid being HIT and her heart was racing because she really thought Kathy was going to hit her. she said that if she had stayed where she was standing or especially, if she had taken ONE step back, she WOULD have been hit!! These people are fucking crazy
6.) These psychos have a spawn. He is just now entering high school. Up until high school, Kathy would walk her son to his classroom every morning when she brought him to school. I feel so sorry for this kid. He gets beat up all the time for being a "mama's boy"
7.) Not only that, but she got a job with the school when he was in elementary, and she was CAUGHT going through children's personal files and reading all the confidential information about them. About children! What the fuck was she thinking? So they let her continue to work there but she had no access to the office, and they caught her AGAIN when she had snuck into the office and went through kid's files AGAIN. She tried to get a job with the junior high and the high schools but they both refused to even consider it because they had found out what she did while working at the elementary.
8.)so all in all these people are completely crazy. two people on our street have restraining orders from them.

So my sister came home that night and their trash cans were out from the night before and it's a big joke between us that they're weird about their trash cans, so she moved them onto their lawn. haha. It was funny, the next day no only were they put away but they had parked their car in front of their house again and didn't move it for days. I guess they thought someone moved them to park there.... but we didn't even park there we were just fucking with them.

This year I'm thinking about moving their Christmas deer ornaments into a sexual pose. Heehee

Story #2:
We got our bassinet AND our crib... so I'm posting photos of those put together because I am super excited about them.

Here is the crib. It took us about one hour to put together. It was fairly easy and I love the crib. One piece was damaged, but I'm not upset about it because 1. I can send for a replacement part and 2. it's not a piece to the crib, it's a piece to the daybed it converts to, so the piece is just sitting under the crib so I am totally willing to wait for the replacement part.
Oh and inside the crib is a Rams Football blanket that we got as a gift with other Rams themed things from Richard's aunt... and a Classic Winnie the Pooh Mobile, that my mom bought for me. I love that Mobile. Classic Winnie the Pooh is the theme I am going for for this room.

Here is the bassinet, it took us about a half hour to put together and it was a BITCH to put together at first, but fairly easy once we got the base put together. I love it love it love it. I think it's so cute, especially for the price we paid for it. And it IS made of plastic but it's VERY sturdy!

OH! and see that pooh bear that's in the bassinet? Yeah i ALMOST bought that at Target for $20 and decided not to, and i was disappointing when I came back and it was gone! And they had no idea when they would get more. Then, I went to Big Lots and they had the same exact bear for $7.00 ... $7 as opposed to $20. 'm glad it wasn't at Target when I went back!

Story #3

My sister took me to Babies R' Us tonight to do yet another baby registry. She decided that she is going to throw me my baby shower on February 7th, so we needed to go out and get invitations, which she is going to go to work and print up and such... she seems as excited as i am! haha. Here are the invitations we picked out:

AND, here are thank-you cards we picked out for some people who have already bought me gifts.

I thought they were cute.

Story #4

Today I went to my WIC meeting and richard decided he was going to come. When we got there he changed his mind and decided he wanted to stay and wait in the car for me. I was pretty pissed because I could have gone alone and I knew he was just going to sit in the car and smoke more weed and be a butt-head. And there were other guys there so it's not like he was the only guy there. Then i would understand. So i went into the class alone and came out an hour later.... He had been sitting in the car listening to the radio for an hour... with the engine off... and he was actually surprised when the car wouldn't start because the battery was DEAD!!! I was STARVING because I had to rush to the class after waking up and didn't have time to eat and let me tell you, i am NOT a happy person when I am that hungry! If he had just stayed at home or come into the class WITH me like he SHOULD have if he bothered to come, this wouldn't have happened. And of course everyone we called couldn't come to get us and give us a ride to my house to get the jumper. So... we had to call his brother's girlfriend... and of course, we had to pay her $10 in gas money (when that is WAY more than she used to give us a ride) .... i was so irritated. Like seriously pissed. Because I got home and i was soooo hungry and i had to turn right back around to go jump my car and drive back home. I got home like an hour and a half later than i would have because my boyfriend wanted to get high and be stupid about the car battery. and he is ALWAYS leaving the fucking car light on... our battery dies all the time because he does shit like leave the light in the car on, leave the driving lights on, and sit in the car with the engine off listening to the radio for over an hour. UGHHHH.

Story #5

I know I had more stuff to talk about but now i can't remember... the angry story made me forget the happy one I still had... oh well I'm sure I'll post it later when I do remember.

Entry #25

Sun, 16 Nov 2008 07:27:01 GMT

ugh... i need to call the doctor to make an appointment to get... something... to help me with my stress and anxiety. I wanted to just go online and make an appointment but i can't find a way to make an appointment in that sort of health field. the best i can come up with is something along the lines of a random non-urgent appointment in the medical offices... not the mental health offices. I don't know why they wouldn't make that possible... So i have to call. what sucks is that every time i actually remember to call (aka I've had a REALLY bad day) it's the weekend or it's already nighttime so they're closed. it sucks! And it's only Saturday so I know I'll forget by Monday. I'm actually going to mark it on my calendar so i DON'T forget. but then again i COULD always go to my next appointment this Thursday and bring it up to my prenatal doctor... they said i should tell them if i feel this way. I just feel too awkward to say anything to them... because I've already been lying and saying I'm fine since the beginning. And because I don't know this lady and for some reason she intimidates me. I think it's because she was the one who told me they knew I was smoking weed. So now I feel like she's... judging me. I think I'm going to have to go to my next appointment alone. I can't seem to say it... just tell the truth... in front of richard. richard is never there for me when I am down. He's not compassionate or caring when I am sad. my sadness makes him annoyed and angry... so I don't know why but i just can't say "I'm depressed" to a doctor in front of him. I'm too self conscious. in fact now I'm mad at richard for being such an ASS when I am sad. He makes me feel so much worse! He should be the one i feel comfortable going to to make me feel better! but... he doesn't. at all. he sighs with annoyance, shuns me, and talks to me all angrily and fucking.. MEAN. what the fuck? and that's when I'm not even upset about anything HE did. today i came into the room crying because i overheard my mom/sister/dad talking shit about me and saying things that weren't even true... talking behind my back... so yeah, i felt like shit, and i came into the room crying and laid in the bed and just....cried... and he got all annoyed and angry like i was ruining the fucking TV show he was watching or whatever. I don't know why he couldn't be fucking COMFORTING like a good fucking boyfriend. and you know what else I'm upset about? He calls me fiance and introduces me fiance, but he never once ASKED me to marry him. and he definitely doesn't TREAT me like I'm the woman he wants to marry. a lot of me thinks he just says that shit so that people wont think of him as an ass for getting me pregnant without marrying me. ...i don't know... why didn't he ask? He just sort of said "well i guess now we'll have to get married" the day i told him i was pregnant... and i said he didn't have to say that, i wasn't going to force him to marry me, and we didn't have to. and he said he wanted to (which a lot of times i think is bullshit) and we even talked about it... ...but he never asked me! and i know that sounds dumb because we DID talk about it... but he never said the words "will you marry me?" ...and i don't know why that's so important to me but i do NOT want to get married and then all i have to remember the day of us getting "engaged" is "well i guess now we'll have to get married" because i got pregnant. that just SUCKS.

Entry #24

Sun, 16 Nov 2008 05:21:04 GMT

Oh my freaking god. That walk that i just went on.. well i took my dog with me... because I honestly feel kind of dumb going for a walk alone... and I decided to wear my old work shoes because they are better for my feet and my feet have been hurting lately... (i wear really old converse that are incredibly flat on the bottom and have absolutely no support whatsoever.)And the work shoes weren't really old.. I only used them for a few months before my dog chewed the laces off (when he was still a puppy and being adorably destructive)and i bought new laces for them recently.... whatever not really the point of the story...

so i went for the walk... and about 1/3 of the way through we passed my neighborhood again and my shoes were feeling VERY tight and the back of my left shoe was cutting into my heal and making it blister! I guess that thing that they say about your feet getting bigger when you're pregnant, is very true because 1. those shoes fit perfectly and 2. they NEVER hurt my feet... now all of a sudden they become disaster shoes... so i started to head home so i could change my shoes and go back out again with my dog to finish the walk... and as soon as we entered the top of my neighborhood... he just STOPPED. he would. not. fucking. budge. And i could just pull on him because he uses a choke chain so that would hurt him... i tried pushing his butt, wouldn't move... tried getting him excited saying "we're going for a walk! *yay* moose! let's go for a walk!!" ...he went like two steps... i offered him a treat... one step... it went on like this for fucking ever... or at least it seemed so. took me about 30 minutes to go two streets. I wish he was small enough for me to just pick up and carry home but he's about 60 lbs and I'm already a bit off balance. (and weak!) so i couldn't do that. And of course, stupid me forgot that I had my cell phone in my pocket and didn't call home for my dad to come get me and my dumbass dog. So I had to nudge him along as best i could with my left shoes half off (my foot slipping back in every few steps and ripping my heel.... fucking hurt like hell) i was so mad.

I WAS going to go right back out after changing my shoes, but because he was such a fucking nightmare about going back home, i did NOT want to have to deal with that again. So his loss. If he wasn't being such a dumb dog he would have gotten what he wanted in the end after all. He was being a nightmare at the park earlier today too. I'd throw the ball hell of far and he'd watch it... and not go after it... and come back to me waiting for me to throw a different ball. he'd like... pick and choose which ball to chase after. He was being so dumb.

GOD! I think I'm just really mad today about everything.

Entry #23

Sun, 16 Nov 2008 04:35:51 GMT

when i found out I was 6 weeks pregnant, I was underweight. I've already gained 20 lbs and everyone says I'm small for my point in pregnancy (5.5 months now) but I'm sooo out of shape and unhealthy! The most exercise I get is taking my dog to the park to throw the ball around... so a short walk and then standing/some waling for the ball-throwing portion... so I really need to start exercising more!! I want a short, easy labor (but who doesn't?) but I hear that exercise is the best thing you can do to increase your chances of having an easy delivery. So I'm going to start with walking. Hope it helps me get in better shape, especially with these pesky tendon pains in my stomach, ouch! i hear walking helps those too.

In fact I am going to go for a walk now. I really have nothing better to do. I was going to go over to richard's mom's ...and i did... but they were all gone! and they had called richard to come over like FIFTEEN minutes before but he said he was going to work... i guess they don't really want me over there... I mean they said michelle was home, so they would have expected me to come over, even if richard wasn't... but they just... left when they found out he wasn't.

dude... everyone hates me now.

Entry #22

Sat, 15 Nov 2008 08:02:10 GMT

I changed my room around!! And not just a little, i moved EVERYTHING. I don't know why but i just go nuts when a room is the same exact way for too long. I like things to change so that it feels... i don't know, new? It relaxes me. I feel like I'm stuck when the room is stuck in the same place. And this room hasn't changed since I moved in here so it was a REALLY good change. I'm used to changing my room around every few months and i hadn't because it was a really awkward set-up, especially when I still had the bed frame that was huge. And the way that I changed it around is really the only other option I have that wont make the room worse and more cramped. It opened up the room a little and made everything spaced a lot better. so I feel better. But... my bed still needs to be made and I have to switch a mirror with a painting... But that can wait for now. I need to STOP for a minute. I did it all by myself so I'm all hot and tired.

I must seem nuts. I don't know why a room would drive me insane by having the furniture a certain way for too long. and what really makes it "too long"? who knows... sometimes i can go a year sometimes it can only last a month before I hate it. Just randomly one day I'll decide it needs a change, Richard goes to work and when he comes back he has an entirely new room. haha. I'm just really glad the the computer now works in this corner of the room. I moved it without testing the internet connection first and I could have royally screwed myself but thank goodness it works. And I think I even have a better connection here. So that's good. AND now I can sit by the window so I can feel the cool breeze from outside. All pluses. I seriously love the way the room is now. I hated it before. like true hate.

Family guy is on... so I'm running out of things to say. (not that i was talking about anything even remotely exciting) haha, I'm distracted...

Alright I'm back and I've realized that I've already seen this episode so I'm not watching as much now. More like listening. Sort of. Ha, in this episode Lois's boobs are all swollen and engorged because she stopped breastfeeding Stewie... reminds me of myself. My boobs are the biggest they have ever been ... like ever. haha.... and last night Richard was like "oh my god, they're so big!" .... i couldn't stop laughing. I seriously think he meant it as a compliment. He didn't get why I was laughing. If you don't get why I was laughing, that's fine too. But I thought it was funny. It's nice to have big tits for the first time in my life though. Sucks that I have to have a big belly just to get the big boobs.

And, wow, Richard gets off work in like a half hour. That's another reason I like to change my room around, particularly on a boring day... It passes time very quickly. I hate sitting at home all day.... (I know I should get a job but I've actually applied at places now so don't judge me... I'm trying)But yeah sitting at home ...alone... being bored... all I ever do it clean... do laundry... ....waste time on myspace... do stupid surveys... clean more... etc etc etc. I miss having a job. Especially now that I'm not sick all the time. When I had morning sickness and work SUCKED, being able to relax at home and puke without worrying if i was going to puke on a customer, being alone in the store and not being able to run in the back and puke... god, being at work then sucked. and it was nice to not have to work... but as soon as i felt better... i started to not like being at home all the time so much. and now it pretty much just sucks. I've applied at a few places for seasonal work, so i can work and save up money before my baby is born. but so far no luck. But it's been less than a week so we'll see. I want to work at target because it's close and they need cashiers. I like being cashier.

okay now I KNOW I'm being dreadfully boring... so I'll go... I'm just bored so I'm writing a bunch of crap that I know no one cares to know about.... because I have nothing better to do... But I do want to make the bed before Richard gets home so the room will be officially finished when he walks in the door... so now I DO have something to do.

good day

-aimeesh

Entry #21

Wed, 12 Nov 2008 06:26:38 GMT

So we ended up changing our minds on the crib that I talked about yesterday. The shipping cost alone was like $25 or more! and that was for standard shipping, not even 1-day shipping. But Walmart was having a sale where they were doing 97 cent shipping and we found a crib that was a little more expensive, but worth it with the basically free shipping and some features that my mom pointed out were better. Here it is:

I'm wondering if it come with a mattress or not. Some of the people in the reviews said it had a good mattress so that leads me to believe that it does... that would be nice. But i put a mattress on my registry just in case it didn't. ...Mattresses are like $80 too... Anyway, my mom pointed out that on the old one the poles are round, so they can bend and things can be sort of pushed through them... like the baby's head... whereas the one we actually ordered has flat slats, which would be pretty impossible to bend back and forth. and she said it would be an easier model to clean puke/spit-up off of... and some other things but I don't really remember right now. But I'm very happy with our choice in the end... It should be delivered shortly after the bassinet, which comes some time this weekend. (well Friday, Monday or Tuesday... it wont actually come on the weekend)But that way we can set things up EARLY so that if there ARE problems... they can be resolved way before the baby actually comes and I wont have to stress about getting things done in time and having a place for my baby to sleep and stuff. I've heard WAY too many stories about moms who thought it was too early to go shopping and ended up having a lot of stress because they had to do everything in the last month or so and it was like a nightmare when they had to make returns and things didn't fit right or things weren't what they appeared to be online, etc. ....i don't want to have to deal with all of that so I'm doing everything super early. (I'm only 5.5 months!)

I got a $20 gift card from target for creating a baby registry with them and i used it today. I bought a "take me home" gift set with a classic Winnie the pooh theme. it's really cute!! but misleading! it said in the little card that it was "prefect for taking baby home from the hospital".... yet the size is 0-6 months and I'm pretty damn sure that if my baby was that big i would be a case of death from birth. A baby that big is NOT coming out of me! so it's too big for it's so-called purpose, but i still love it and I'll still use it... maybe more around 3 months though. I still need to find the perfect outfit to take him home in.

oh, and i ended up making a second registry at target because their system is retarded. apparently if you CREATE the registry in-store, the only way to edit it and add/remove things is in the store, or by calling a 1-800 number.... which seems ridiculous, who wants to try to edit a registry over the phone?? BUT, if you CREATE a registry online, you can edit it in-store OR online! isn't that dumb? why doesn't it work that way if you create it in-store?? so yeah, I'm making a new one... and I'm going to delete the old one... turns out stuff Richard and i picked for the old one were bad picks too. I read the reviews online for the high chair, the stroller, and the baby-bag that i picked and they had really bad reviews... other things did too but those were the most drastic bad choices... I'm glad i decided to check out the reviews online! and that's when i found out about the dumb system because i tried to take them OFF my registry and i couldn't.

so yeah there's my rant about target....

I'm supposed to be doing laundry right now... so I'm going to go.

-aimee

Entry #20

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 02:27:12 GMT

So I've made multiple gift registries for my baby. Mostly because whatever i DON'T recieve as a gift, most places will give you a discount on whatever is on your registry that wasn't purchased, after the baby's due date. So I'm putting EVERYTHING I want... even some things that are over $100, so I hope people don't think I'm a greedy bitch... i really don't expect them to buy those items. But it would be really cool if that did happen. haha. Oh and when i did a gift registry at target, they gave me a $20 gift card just for doing the registry... so that was another reason to do one. So far i have one at Target, Walmart, and K-mart.... but k-mart doesn't really have anything that I want other than the crib (pictured below).

this is the crib that I want that i found at target:

So, tonight I am going to go check out K-mart and see if they have the crib that I want in-store... and then go to Target and spend my $20 gift card. Maybe on the mobile I want... I really want that mobile...

Entry #19

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 06:48:50 GMT

So i sort of just realized that I'm more than half way through my pregnancy. I'm 22 weeks. Which is 5 and a half months... which means I have 124 days to go, that's like weeks. which is like less than 18 weeks. Which is just over 4 months. I'm going to give birth to a little boy in about 4 months.

holy shit!! that's unreal.

Yesterday Richard and I bought a bassinet online. So it's going to be delivered to my house within the next 10 days or so. I'm really excited.

what do you think? It's on the cheaper side but I read the reviews and the only complaint anyone had was pretty superficial. It had nothing to do with the safety or function on the bassinet. and all the other ones after that were good reviews. mostly 5-star ratings. But if it does happen to be a crappy bassinet I can always return it directly to the store. But i'm pretty confident that we'll be happy with it. I'm mostly concerned about the safety of the bassinet, not the looks. we'll have to buy a new sheet for it though because someone DID say that the sheet was too rough for the baby... but that's just a sheet.

so yeah, I'll let you know what I think of it after it comes :)

Entry #18 Letter to my sister

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 02:00:51 GMT

"Are you Ok? Why is my sis broken.." -My Sister

i can't stand living here anymore. I can't stand mom. I hate the way my life is right now and there is NOTHING i can do about it. She is driving me crazy. I hate her for making me who I am today. Both of them. (mom and dad) I HATE the way that they fucked me up mentally. And dad says I should blame myself.

when we were little and he used to BEAT us, the only reason he could EVER give me was that "his dad did it to him" And he was never sorry. Now, I'm terrified every single day that I am going to hit my kid "because my dad did it to me".

Mom never did ANYTHING about it. She never tried to stop him or try to leave him. And I'm the same way!! I am so afraid of people leaving me! That's all dad ever did when we were little and they fought, he LEFT and every time I thought he was NEVER going to come back. And when he did, it was for us kids, but never for mom. He always told me he came back for us, but he NEVER said he came back for mom. Now I can't stand being left. I don't have any courage inside me to leave someone if they're treating me bad. I start to think I deserve it or it's my fault and I need to change what I'm doing. When Bryce cheated on me and I found out, i didn't even leave him! I thought it was something wrong with ME and I needed to change ME so he would love me.

You have no idea how stressed out I am all of the time. I'm pregnant and I am SO afraid all of the time that Richard is going to leave me. Stop loving me. I don't really have a reason to but I am ALWAYS worried that will happen. I have ALWAYS been afraid that would happen with any boyfriend I've ever had. I NEVER feel good enough for ANYONE.

I can't even make friends or keep the friends I have because I feel like I'm not really a fun person or interesting enough to be their friend. All of the good friends I HAVE had have stabbed me in the back. It makes me feel used and stupid and I never feel like I have any real friends. Now i don't have any friends at all! And I know it's because there is something wrong with me. But i don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.

And I HATE living in this STUPID house with mom and dad. Mom and I are always fighting. I can't stand to have her around because I have very little respect for her. I can't enjoy her company at all. I don't trust her. The times that I have confided in her and told her personal information, she went and told someone else, like jeonne or a neighbor. She can't keep anything to herself. I hate the way that she likes to gossip. I hate the way that she USES that information against me later. I can't tell her secrets. I can't trust her to keep them to herself or use the information to HELP me rather than making me feel worse or using it to her fucking advantage. I don't like to talk to her at ALL anymore because of the person that she is. She always acts like she's better than everyone else. She thinks that she cannot/ has not ever done wrong and she's a fucking saint. She acts like she's a wounded animal all of the time. Like she's helpless and I'm never doing enough to help her.
I hate the way that she's so obsessive about the house and how clean it needs to be. I hate how she's always so obsessive about EVERYTHING. And whenever I DO do something to help out, it's NEVER good enough. She's always pointing out what I HAVEN'T done and what I didn't do good enough and what isn't up to her standards of "perfect". NOTHING will ever be good enough for her. I could clean the entire house spotless and the next day she'll be "so stressed out blah blah blah" because the house "is a PIG STY!!!" ... I'll tell you what, EVERY guest I have over always says that our house is one of the cleanest houses they've ever been to and they are BAFFLED as to why my mom is always complaining about how horribly messy this house is to her.

she is a fucking psycho.

and she is turning ME into a fucking psycho.

and i cannot stand living here anymore. I would leave today if it was possible. If i didn't NEED mom and dad, I would leave and never come back. I hate that I need them. I hate that I have to live here. and right now I pretty much hate my life altogether.

Entry #17

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 07:00:17 GMT

So I was on this forum... It's called MM... so those of you coming from there, you know i'm talking about our forum.. in fact whenever i say "the forum" that's the one I'm talking about.

so i found this post about borderline personality disorder...

this was my response:

"i clicked on this as just... being curious. I had no idea what borderline personality disorder was.
i also had no idea that that's what is wrong with me.
The description sounded like... like it was talking about ME not a disorder. So i looked it up more online so I wouldn't assume i was right based off of one description... but this SCREAMS me.
im seriously crying. I feel like i'm not normal at all and I'm not even sure if this is really what's wrong with me. It just sounds like me... a lot. But I have a lot of anxiety too... but that seems to be part of this as well.
im so sick of feeling this way.
i feel crazy... and weird... and alone."

i don't really feel like making much of a entry today... i just had to post that i think that i may know whats wrong with me now... but i don't even know for sure. I hate the way that i am and the way that i act and the way that i feel... all of the time. I can't explain my feelings and i feel so... alone. like an outcast. like I'll end up alone, as if i am doomed to end up alone. that i am doomed to be abandoned.

i am so crazy!!!!

poor Richard doesn't even know how crazy i am. that i'm broken.

Entry #16: Election 2008

Wed, 05 Nov 2008 06:27:34 GMT

*Yay* I voted!!!

so i started watching the news when it came on at 4:00pm. So far from what I've seen Obama has won Vermont and McCain has won Kentucky. But i was just in the shower so more might have happened by now. But I'll be making this post as i watch the TV.... for hours...

Oh, crap.... McCain just won South Carolina... so now the score it 3 to 16 with McCain in the lead. I still have hope, though!!!

The are predicting that Pennsylvania, Illinois, New Jersey, Massachusetts, and New Hampshire will go to Obama

AHHHHH jeez my mom came in and started spilling out her shit about some guy at work and her dumb gossip as if i give a shit... which i don't.... and i missed a bunch on the Electio0n Watch and now there's a whole bunch of states that have settled and i have NO idea what's going on... the score is now 102 to 34 with Obama in the lead.

Jesus Christ. i finally started to figure out who was in the lead and starting to see which states Obama had won... then i hear my banshee mother downstairs screeching non-stop for me to unload the dishwasher. That stupid bitch couldn't wait for a fucking commercial break. God dammit she irritates she shit out of me. I swear if she does ONE MORE THING I'm going to become a murderer tonight. Oh the score is now 102 to 49 with Obama in the lead.

Ahhh!! NINE more states are going to close their polls in SIX minutes!!! So far Obama is definitely in the lead so I'm excited. Let's hope that it stays this way in six minutes. haha.

It's so weird, this being my first election, EVER. First time I've been able to vote for a president. First time I've ever cared. It's a good feeling to be a part of it. :)

OH! okay now it's 174 to 61 with Obama in the lead!

okay McCain is now up to 76 (vs. 174 Obama)

awe, McCain just won Georgia... I saw that coming... so it's 115 to 174 with Obama... still in the lead :D

They're saying that McCain has NO room for error. That basically if he loses in any of the states that they're EXPECTING him to win.... he's pretty much lost it.

it's getting to be a closer election though, exciting!

...commercial break *changes channels* oh that's weird.... ABC says it's 175 to 76 with Obama in the lead... I wonder if they're behind channel 13 (CBS). They're both supposed to be live....

*special report* (ABC news) they expect the state of Ohio to go to Obama... no republican has EVER won the presidency without Ohio!! So Barak Obama will carry ohio that's huge!! I think Obama is going to win.

199 to 124 Obama in the lead!

I just had dinner with the family. Both me and my sister voted for Obama. My dad was shocked! I don't get why. Both he and my mom voted for a third party member. I had to explain to him that i wouldn't have voted for Obama if this election was anything close to fair. But because no one else besides Obama and McCain even has a chance, I had to vote in the direction that, the guy i definitely DON'T want to win (McCain) will lose. So i didn't really vote for Obama. I just voted against McCain. And I might as well use my vote for someone who has a chance. It just sucks that I don't necessarily want him as president. But i definitely DON'T want McCain as president.

200 to 130 Obama in the lead.

ha! hahaha! so now they're saying that there's pretty much NO chance for McCain! They even used the word "Impossible" haha.("they" being a newswoman on CBS) "impossible... good word" is what her news co-host responded.

Looks like Obama is going to be president.

207 to 135 with Obama in the lead.

It actually seems like this is taking forever. California's polls are still open so it'll be forever until we find out more about our results. I really would like to see how Prop 8 goes. I voted No. I expect most to vote no... but I'd like to know as soon as possible.

MAN!!! how crazy will it be if Obama wins! (in a good way) Our FIRST black president and I get to be here to see it all happen!! That will be a great story to tell my boy someday. Part of me worries that he'll end up being assassinated. can i say that on here? i hope that's not something I'll get in trouble for saying. I'm just thinking... a lot of people VERY STRONGLY don't want him to be president. ... kinda scary to think that might happen to him. If it did, whudyaknow... we'd have another white skinned, white-haired president (Joe Biden)I think choosing Biden as his running mate helped him.

207 Obama 141 McCain
284 to 145 OBAMA in the LEAD, only 270 to win....

OBAMA WON!!!!!

Obama:

Vermont
New Hampshire
Connecticut
Maine
Massachusetts
Pennsylvania
New Jersey
Illinois
Ohio
New Mexico
Minnesota
Wisconsin
Michigan
New York
Rhode Island
Delaware
Maryland
Washington DC
Iowa
California
Florida
Virginia

McCain:

Kentucky
South Carolina
Tennessee
Oklahoma
Alabama
Arkansas
Georgia
North Dakota
Wyoming
Utah
Texas
Louisiana
Mississippi
West Virginia
Kansas
Nebraska
South Dakota
Arizona

okay I'm done with the states, they're not even done yet but the election is over so im done trying to follow it.

338 Obama, 155 McCain

MAN. I am so happy that I got to be a part of this election! It was a pretty intense run. People were so passionate about who they wanted to vote for and what they believed in! And propositions about gay marriage AND abortion... two very controversial issues... but I am still waiting to find out the results of those.

OH! it's on the news now!!! ...oh... "news to come"... i of course have to watch other things first. At least I know they will talk about it on this channel. I've been bouncing back and forth between CBS and ABC. They both have Live coverage of the election and a news report after wards... hard to choose which one to watch!

So, we have our first African-American president. it's hard to believe! It's so cool that it happened the first time I get to vote, so I got to be a part of it. I'm so glad that McCain didn't win.

Oh, okay, I found a site to watch the progress of the Prop results... Looks like it's going to be a WHILE until the results are all in... so I'm going to END this entry (finally) and I'll update you with the results and what I think of them in my next entry.

so... wow... cool, obama won.

ciao